The Wedding Trashers

At first I thought they were buying all the inexpensive stuff to outfit a student’s new apartment, doing it on the cheap because they were sure the student would not make it past the first term in university, but my curiosity and eavesdropping told another story. They were buying wedding presents.

I do not usually shop at this chain of resellers of things seconds, inferior and only slightly damaged goods, but I was looking for something really chintzy for a friend to repay him for his last birthday present to me. We exchange the most tasteless possible gifts in a perverse game of one-upmanship, a game in which only good friends should partake.

The couple, and they were dressed in the latest designer togs, gave the impression that they were reasonably well-off. Unless the rock she had on her ring finger was a zircon, it alone would have bought a quarter of the merchandise in the joint. The fine silk tie over the pale blue cotton shirt with the tan cashmere jacket would have comfortably hung in Dave’s closet.

While I was toying with a large plastic wine glass, replete with pink flamingoes and palm trees, they found the ‘crystal’ on the next shelf. While I thought the large sticker on the bottom of the wine glass that said $0.69 would add to the ambience of my friend’s merlot, they were nodding in excitement over the sticker that said Regular $15.49 / Our Price $5.99 for 6 glasses.

In my mind, a wine glass that costs a dollar may be okay for sipping six ounces of last week’s capped home-brewed, simulated Sauvignon, but to savour the discrete hints of currant and a touch of orange in my favourite Shiraz, a nice cut crystal glass is necessary. Call me old-fashioned or whatever, but sometimes the packaging counts. You can stick a patty of mystery meat between two of those white-flour so-called buns at the Arches, but a piece of grade A Canadian beef steak needs a decent whole wheat bread roll to make a good burger.

Perhaps this couple never expected to be entertained at the home of the newly weds, so they would never use these ugly stemmed tumblers that were masquerading as wine glasses. Glancing at their shopping cart, I could see the blue plastic handles of some fine cutlery, made of Chinese stainless steel, that was apparently from Aunt Gladys. Intrigued, I followed them to the section where cheap, ‘teflan’ coated frying pans and thin aluminum pots were offered at greatly reduced prices. Here, they found a skillet that would be a nice present from Uncle Fred. They were buying wedding gifts from the whole tribe!

I never knew that you could get a dozen, nicely coloured, cotton tea towels for Our Price $3.99, Regular $18.59. What newly wed couple would not need some good tea towels that could be turned into some very good wiping rags after a couple of washings? When the lady said sister Bertha wanted to give some nice sheets and pillow cases, I gave up. Clutching my flamingo wine glass, I headed to the cashier’s desk.

Thinking back to our wedding more than forty years ago, I do not remember receiving any junky wedding gifts. In fact, we still use some of the things today. Who would think a good wooden salad bowl would serve so many salads? But the things that couple were buying were really trashy; things that would never stand the test of time.

In the movie, The Wedding Crashers, the two social misfits who crashed weddings looking for a quick tumble with some lady, at least took a nice gift. These ‘Friends of the Family’ were nothing more than Wedding Trashers, buying their way into a free dinner with useless, cheap gifts.

The best part of all this? It was Seniors Day and I got an extra 15% off on my wine glass. Now that is a classy birthday gift!