The Double Roll

Sometimes we can get caught up in the events of history by seemingly innocent small things. For instance, you see an advertisement in one of the hundreds of flyers that come with your newspaper every week , an advertisement that looks almost too good to be true, and you know this is a moment of destiny. Like the ad about a month ago offering to sell me 12 rolls of toilet paper for the amazing low price of $3.69. Now this was not just any 12 rolls of toilet paper, but 12 double rolls.

Double rolls are the new packaging gimmick for rolls of toilet paper that are too thick for the regular toilet paper dispenser, but the rolls work fairly well in ours. I mean, after you have hand-fed the first several rounds off the roll, the rest come freely, or so I tell my wife. But to be able to purchase double rolls for less than the price of regular rolls, is a bargain not to be missed.

Lest you think toilet paper is a small thing in the great scheme of life, you should understand that a man’s brand of toilet paper ranks right up there with his favourite hockey team or brand of beer. Whereas it may seem unbelievable that the Toronto Maple Leafs can elicit true life-long loyalty to some, an even closer relationship between a man and his toilet paper can be easily understood. It is a matter of something fitting into your comfort zone. Just like you always know you can count of a bottle of Blue Light tasting exactly the way you remember the taste of the previous two or three bottles, so too you know you can trust your Cottonelle double sheets of toilet paper. It is a bit like always driving a Ford or voting Conservative – you just have this feeling of confidence with your life choices. And trust me, few things in life are as personal as your choice of toilet paper.

So, armed with the newspaper coupon, I headed out first thing Tuesday morning to Wally’s store to purchase my toilet paper (limit 2 packages per customer). Imagine my dismay when I find they are sold out! But I present my coupon for a rain-cheque and go home, comforted in the thought that the clerk has said a new shipment is due on Thursday. Thursday, I leave my home before Canada AM has finished, not wanting to be last in line to get my toilet paper. A clerk tells me that the shipment did not arrive; however, they will honour my rain-cheque with 24 rolls of regular Cottonelle. This may have satisfied some less discerning customers, but I wanted my double rolls. If they advertised it, they ought to deliver it I said to the floor manager who had been brought into the conversation along with the man stocking the shelves when my complaints could be heard three aisles over.

He ought not to have said I was being silly and offered me 12 rolls of Charmin. Would I settle for a Chevy Tahoe instead of a Ford Excursion? Will I ever cheer for the Canadiens? A few moments later I was sitting in the Manager’s office while he phoned head office, inquiring when the next shipment of Double Roll Cottonelle was coming to his store. It would be a week. I did some rapid mental calculations and said I would wait. No, I would not accept the monetary equivalent for the rain-cheque. The manager took my telephone number and said they would call me as soon as the truck backed into the dock. I had the feeling they were not taking this seriously enough, but knowing that Wally always wants their happy customers to have a good day, I bade him adieu.

I held off until my wife said we were down to the last roll of toilet paper and would I PLEASE get some. Maybe the manager at Wally’s thought he could out-wait me, I thought as I drove to his store. Having toilet paper is of some consequence and I had no desire to suggest again to my wife that strips of cut-up newspaper had been used in the old days. I went straight to the manager’s office with my rain-cheque. He picked up the phone and called the stock manager to inquire if the Double Rolls had arrived. Apparently they have some inside joke about Double Rolls, but I did not let this faze me. I was instructed to proceed to checkout station 9 where my toilet paper would be waiting for me. I shook his hand and thanked him.

The young lady running the register smiled and took my rain-cheque. I marched from the store, head held high, proud that I had stuck by my principles and had insisted on my purchase of Double Rolls exactly as advertised.

I suppose you can imagine the look on my face when my wife asked why I had brought home one package of double rolls and one package of regular rolls of Cottonelle. I grabbed the packages and was headed back to the store when my wife grasped my jacket and held me back. “William,” she said, “Stop!” I know that tone of voice. I compromised and agreed that the regular rolls could go in the washroom we reserve for house guests.

I have passed the word to my coffee chums that if they see an ad for Double Rolls of Cottonelle to let me know. They understood perfectly.