Speed Holes

North Bay Council may want to improve on the idea put forth by the local council in Navestock, England before adopting this policy. In this merry olde English town, the council has decided not to report the fresh spring hatch of potholes to the county road department. Whether it is because the county road workers are notoriously slow in filling the potholes or the council has decided to view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty, councillors claim they are thinking outside the box. Henceforth, the potholes are to be considered as enhancing the ‘drive slowly’ policy in the town.

Whereas most towns and cities construct raised asphalt ‘bumps’ on the roadway to slow traffic, at great cost, the council in Navestock says they will leave the potholes unfilled to slow traffic. What was not clear was whether the council would place signage at the potholes, as is the practice with speed bumps. This is where our City Council could improve on the Navestock policy. All potholes over 20 cm in diameter ought to be signed. Yellow signs with ‘HOLE’ could add some colour to our dreary spring landscape that is only now gaining some colour from the orange ‘BUMP’ signs springing up around town.

However, a quick drive around town indicated that the cost of erecting signs would exceed the cost of filling the potholes. Perhaps a single sign on each block would suffice – ‘CAUTION – POT HOLES AHEAD’. Alas, in these trying economic times, even that number of signs would strain the coffers at City Hall.

Perhaps our City Solicitor could draw up an advertisement for the local paper - and heaven knows they need the advertising – warning people to be aware of the new Speed Hole Policy. The Solicitor could word it like those drug ads that list all the benefits of Speed Holes and then, in small print, suggest the possible side effects. “Speed Holes slow traffic and make the streets safer for children playing road hockey and elderly people crossing the street with their walkers. Speed Holes reduce gasoline consumption and pollution by encouraging drivers to slow down (the Green Effect). Leaving the Speed Holes unfilled saves money.” And so on.

Then comes the possible side effects from using Speed Holes: “Drivers may experience lumps on their head from hitting holes; continuous use of Speed Holes may cause rapid deterioration of shocks, springs and steering linkage; hot coffee may spill from unsecured containers risking scalding or cursing; small pets may drown in Speed Holes during rainy periods; children under two years of age should not play in Speed Holes unsupervised by a parent. The City assumes no responsibility for excessive use of Speed Holes, although in clinical tests there was only a 5% addiction rate by Jeep drivers.” The Solicitor will no doubt have more cautions.

If we are willing to adopt the idea of a Traffic Circle from our English friends, why not Speed Holes?