Your faithful reporter received an 8 track tape in a plain brown envelop from a source I cannot name. In fact, I did not even recognize the selfie photograph. The accompanying note said the tape was made at the protocol meeting moments after the PM and his wife received the invite to Pennsylvania Ave.
J: What do I say when Michelle asks me if I want some sawmill gravy for my biscuits? What is in that stuff anyway? Would that be an appropriate time the mention the Softwood Lumber Deal?
You politely refuse saying you are currently on a glue-free diet. Michelle will understand but Barack might encourage you to try a little just to get the flavour. Don’t be confused if he says ‘flavor’ leaving out the ‘u’- it’s just their way of talking. You could ask for the ingredients but you might try a segue by saying your father once sent you to work in a sawmill one summer. They like it when you mention your Dad.
J: And then I tell Barack that we want the Softwood deal to continue or we’ll raise the Keystone thing again if The Donald is elected. Right?
Don’t mention The Donald - in fact, stay away from the election talk if you can. You might jokingly mention how Putin wrangled his way back into power when his term was over, saying you would not mind having Barack for another term.
J: Wouldn’t they have to amend their Constitution to do that? Does the Queen have to approve any amendments - no, wait, that’s us, right? Should we bring anything to the dinner? Sophie says we should take a bottle of wine or something. How about a litre of maple syrup?
Don’t mention maple syrup! The voters in Vermont will all be up in arms and Bernie will add that to his platform. You might try a bottle of Ice wine.
J: How about a nice cheese from Oka? Oh, I forgot - our cheese had too much colour or flavour or is subsidized - something like that. It was exempted from NAFTA by Brian. Would it be polite to mention the new Pacific trade deal over dinner?
You might get Sophie to mention how she used to love cross-border shopping before our dollar tanked and you could join in about buying some golf clubs the last time you were in the States. Barack loves his golf. You could read up on Moe Norman and lay some facts on Barack about Moe.
J: Maybe that would be a good time to mention the bridge at Detroit.
Certainly, sir, but just mention how it would speed up their exports to us, not the fact that we need to get our goods to them.
J: About bringing those six old F-18s home - will Barack mention that over coffee?
It is possible that the tension in the Middle East will come up in the conversation. We had our Air Force General announce last week that we were thinking about moving towards armed drones for our military instead of fighter jets to put some pressure on that F-35 deal. You could say that our budget cannot afford that new-fangled jet unless the price of oil goes up.
J: I like the idea of those drones. I’ll bet they would even let me fly one! Do you know what they are serving for the main course?
Our spy in the kitchen says it will be roast beef.
J: We really do have a spy in Washington?
Just in the kitchen so far. Be sure to say something nice about the beef even if it isn’t as chewy at the beef we get from Alberta. You could say it tastes as good as the burgers we get at the MacDonald’s - Michelle likes to sneak out once in a while for a Big Mac. You might like to admit that both the Prez and 1st Lady appear fit and trim and ask how they do it. Don’t even think about inviting B to a boxing match.
J: Sophie wants to know whether we should invite them over for dinner some night - just to reciprocate.
Wait until after the election. Maybe a barbeque at the Lake would be nice.
J: I wonder if they have ever tried poutine.
I doubt it, sir. Biscuits and sawmill gravy is about as far as the President will go with that kind of food.
