One Ringy Dingy

Perhaps it was because I had just finished a delicious dinner of Jean-Marc’s turkey pie, washed down by a glass of chardonnay that I did not hang up immediately when the telemarketer called. His name was Murray and he was calling on behalf of the telephone company we all love to hate. After assuring him that I was the party to whom he was speaking and the one in the household who had changed from Bell to our local carrier for my long distance service, he began his pitch.

This is apparently Bell Customer Appreciation Month and they wanted to welcome me back into the fold by offering me a long distance package that I simply could not afford to turn down. Ignoring the fact that I said I used only four or five dollars of long distance service a month, Murray said they would offer me unlimited calling to Canada, the US and Great Britain for only 5 cents per minute. Replying that this would only save me a penny a minute or about 40 cents a month, Murray immediately sweetened the offer.

The chardonnay had not slowed my mind so much that I realized that by stalling, I could get even better offers from Ma Bell’s telemarketer. It turned out that I would have been somewhat dumb to accept the first offer. Just to get me back on their system, they would give me a one-time credit of $35.00 on my first bill – that was 700 minutes of free calling! That should last my wife almost a year. I said ummm, stalling now for an even better offer.

I explained my reticence by saying that my local company also gave me my internet service and hosted my website. Not a problem, one of their subsidiaries could do the same and it would all appear on one bill. I was going to mention that Bell Mobility was unable to add their charges to Bell’s monthly paper but maybe there was some inter-division rivalry of which I was unaware that was better left unstirred.

What rate could they give me for calls to the Grand Caymans, I asked, saying I sometimes I had long, important calls to my off-shore banker. Murray talked to someone in the background for a few seconds and came back with ten cents a minute. I could also use my Bell calling card for these calls. On a roll, I asked what they could do for calls to Columbia, since, I said in a confidential voice, my main supplier had his shop just outside Medellin.

When he came back on the line with a 25 cents per minute rate, I said to forget it because I used a disposable cell for that business anyway. Somehow sensing that I was going to ask for rates to Hong Kong, Murray moved away from rates into service, saying that I could re-sign for the guaranteed home repair service which I had dropped when I no longer rented an expensive and obsolete handset from Ma Bell. When I questioned the value of that unlikely service, he reminded that lightning could strike anywhere.

My wife was giving me un-approving looks. This toying with the telemarketers does not meet with her strict code of ethical telephone behaviour. I argue that as long as I can keep the marketer on the line, they are not bothering someone else at mealtime. She counters with the fact that these people are just trying to make a living, albeit in a bothersome manner.

So I said, sorry, Murray, I would just stay with my local supplier of long distance service. I guess his supervisor was standing behind him because he asked in desperation what they could do to get my business. Well, I said, my local company gives me discounts on their buses and trains – could Bell do that? No, he said, but they were working on it. Call me back when it happens, I said and gently replaced the receiver.