No Farting Allowed

Ottawa City council stopped short of posting No Farting signs in their buildings last week. They instead opted to try an awareness program to ease the discomfort and suffering of people who have allergic reactions to air-borne smells and particles. We have all heard of children with the peanut allergy and most have an uncle who is wary of a fatal confrontation with bees and wasps. Ontario has now successfully banned the smokers and their stinking cigarettes to the great outdoors, so it is little wonder that the good-doers are now tackling other smells.

Not to belittle the discomfort of those people who get a headache from Chanel No. 5 (smelling it, not buying it) or Old Spice after-shave, but where will this stop? People are allergic to everything from grass, birch leaves, and cat dander to cheap rye whiskey. Some people get desperately ill from any or all of the above, while others simple do not like the odour of the nearby farmer’s fertilizer pile. While it used to be only hangovers that caused lost production in the workplace, people now book off sick if some Don Juan walks by emitting an unseen trail of Polo Musk.

Scents formerly used to attract members of the opposite sex are now taboo. This is, of course, good news for skunks. Not the dead ones in the middle of the road who always bring on a rousing chorus of “Dead Skunk . . .” in our car, but those held captive in laboratories where they suffer the embarrassment of being milked for the chemicals in their protective spray. This precious elixir is used, in very minute quantity, in the manufacture of some high-priced perfumes. Men who formerly relied on Olde English Leather to lure a woman will now have to wear some real leather goods, although I hear that some people already wear scanty leather under-garments now to add a little spice in their boudoir.

There is little doubt that through public awareness we can reduce, if not eliminate, the use of scented deodorants and attractants. We may simply have to wash our feet and underarms more often. However, what are we to do about the natural smells that offend some people? I am not referring to the methane or sulphurous emanations from someone’s behind after a good feed of homemade baked beans, but things like cow manure, grass, tree pollen and wheat dust. Add to that the manufactured pollutants like diesel and gas fumes and other synthetic combinations of chemicals with seventeen-letter names and it is easy to see that the toxic crap that goes into our lungs is enough to sicken anyone.

The answer will likely lie in some pill or shot that numbs the senses. Inhalers and masks will become even more prominent in our society, to the point where we enclose ourselves in protective bubbles called homes and offices. A recent study showed that people who were raised on farms suffered fewer affects from pollutants than urbanites. It appears there was some truth in the old myth about eating a peck of dirt during your lifetime. Farm kids develop a stronger immune system because of their early-years environment. In our super-sanitized world, a little dirt seems to be a good thing. Not only are children raised on the farm not allergic to hay, grass, and the smell of ram crap, but as many employers know, they are not allergic to a little hard work either.

We are in a deadly race of our own making as we continue to pollute the environment. We eat, drink and breathe so many particles that are foreign to our immune system that our genes cannot keep up with our rapidly changing environment. Add to that the virus attacks and the antibiotics that are seeping into our system, and we humans may not last that long as the self-proclaimed dominant creatures on this little rock.

Meanwhile, expect to see signs at City Hall that forbid Farting (euphemistically called duck quacking in upper society) in public places. ‘No Scents at City Hall’ – yep, that will work!