Green Bananas and Gasoline

My wife almost had me convinced that I was simply getting more crotchety with age, but I think I am simply getting tired of some people trying to take advantage of me. Take the green bananas for instance. I enjoy half a ripe banana with my breakfast cereal (except on Tuesdays when I have hot oatmeal) and I look forward to my banana in great anticipation after a long night of fasting. Therefore, you might understand my ire when some days I cannot buy a ripe-ready-to-eat banana in North Bay.

How is it possible that for at least two days a week, and it does not always seem to be the same days, that the grocers have only green bananas? If other days they can offer ripe bananas, what happens to the yellow banana truck on those green banana days? Sure, I know the bananas will ‘ripen’ if I let them hang long enough, in fact, they will suddenly get to the banana-bread stage if you are not careful, but I want them on my cereal, not in a loaf. Having reached the age when it is a gamble to buy a year-long golf membership, I am now going to buy only one green banana at a time. And I will grumble about green bananas to any nearby banana customer while selecting my one banana.

This will, I hope, disturb the grocery store owner who will now have the added cost of pricing and packing single bananas and having all those non-bunched bananas on his shelves. Hopefully, he will either buy only riper bananas from the distributor or keep the green ones out of my sight. If the grocer is going to charge me the same price for a product that I have to warehouse for two days before it is fit to eat, I am fighting back. Similarly, I will only purchase $5.00 of gasoline when the local distributor tries to rip me off with the weekly price hikes.

I know it is the local gas pump operator, not Big Oil, who is gouging me, because I watch the price of oil on the stock ticker. By purchasing only five dollars of gas at a time, and running the pump on dribble speed, I will tie up his pumps, costing them lost sales! I will fumble with my pin number and have to re-enter it a couple of times, thus tying up their cash register. Now that I am a senior, I can fake the pin number mistake and get away with it. The head-bobbing bi-focal trick gets them every time. When the price goes to its weekly low, I will fill my car, pump gas as fast as I can, and pay for it in an instant! However whenever I am out of town, always fill my car at Powassan, Corbeil or Sturgeon Falls because of the local operator’s past sins of greed and thievery at the North Bay pumps.

Being retired, I have the luxury of time to implement my annoying tactics. Those who are in a rush or hurry may have to show a little patience as I ‘stall’ my car at the those stupid red traffic lights – the ones not on sensors that stop traffic when there are no cars at the cross intersection. They might even have time to make yet another cell call while they wait. Maybe if I annoy enough people they will call their councillor or the mayor on their cell and complain about the lights. Or complain about me. Of course, at midnight when there is very little traffic, I might sit waiting at those red lights all by myself. It could take me an extra ten minutes to get through the synchronized lights on the one-way exit from Ferris.

Lest you think these delaying and annoying tactics are my own ideas, I must confess that I am stealing them from City council. For instance, if you do not like the way the Health Unit runs its business, simply do not pay them! At least until you can take control of the organization and set it aright. (I have no desire to be the fruit and veggie man at the grocery store.) Using Council’s tactics, I wonder if I can pay my water bill with my debit card? Maybe I could go in once a week and stand in line, fumble the pin numbers and mutter about not having a water meter as I meter out my payment in dribs and dabs. That may only annoy the front-line workers, but perhaps if the line-ups get long enough somebody in management will notice and tell the fifth floor mandarins.

I could do the same thing with my tax bill – delay until the last second before they charge interest – like 4:25 p.m. on the due date. By gosh, I will show them I do not like their selling Otter Lake! Imagine a whole gaggle of grey-haired taxpayers who cannot remember their pin numbers, trying their best to pay their bills! If only the lighting was brighter or they used bigger print, we might be able to see what we owed - just a minute, Dearie – did I make that out my cheque for the wrong amount? Let them pay for the overtime to clear the line-ups from the cash registers! They can take it out of their Reserve Funds!

I have already deployed my 2007 telemarketing strategy. After hearing how much money the marketing firm was leaching from MADD, it was very easy to tell the overly insistent marketer from the Firefighters to take his veiled threats to where the sun does not shine. I am sure that had I listened long enough, he could have explained why some association felt it needed my money to do their own good works. If they want to take someone to a circus, dig into their own pockets. Okay, so if it had been some poor copper needing enough money to buy a bobber and some worms to take a kid fishing, I might have relented. But no more giving over the phone. Nada. I have to save my charitable donation money for the next big hit from the Health Centre – when they finally get their shortfall calculated.

By heavens, 2007 is going to be a great year. I can barely wait to start my Green Bananas and Gasoline Campaign! I hope you and yours have just as wonderful a 2007.

Happy New Year!