Carbo Credits

Do you know the size of your carbo footprint? Unlike the sometimes convoluted and often confusing calculations for your carbon footprint, your carbo footprint can be easily determined by stepping on your bathroom scale.

There was considerable focus on the carbon footprints that the Save the Earth entertainers left all over the world as they flew to shows, burned tonnes of fossils fuels for their acts and generally did little for the cause. One of the negative outputs was to increase the carbohydrate intake of millions of viewers as they sat on their couches watching the shows, leaving a large carbo butt print.

While the more conscientious of the entertainers bought some carbon credits to offset the environmental damage they inflicted on the earth while bringing the save the environment message to us, the idea of buying carbon credits by individuals has not yet caught on. Buying carbon credits was part of the Kyoto Accord that still has many of us confused. Some large corporations who have not yet mastered the carbon dioxide reduction technology have begun buying carbon credits from ‘Green’ companies who have fixed their processes or from others who will do some greening of the world for a price. Tree planters are among those who can salve the conscience of shareholders using the carbon credits method.

For individuals, there are a number of carbon calculators on the internet, and it is relatively easy for find the carbon cost of using electricity, natural gas, etc. The carbon credit cost of running my car for year is $26.61. I am not sure if my buying $26.61 of perennials for my garden offset my car’s carbon output but I am pretending it did.

Under some personal Carbon Credit schemes that are being considered around the world, I would get a set amount of carbon credits each year. As I use my credits by buying electricity, traveling or going to Save the Planet concerts, I would use up my credits. If I ran out of credits, I would have to buy them from someone else before I could fill up my gas tank at the pumps or buy a plane ticket for a vacation. This has the makings of a bureaucratic nightmare and would soon make the Gun Registry look like a model of government-run programmes.

Before we plunge into the world of personal carbon credits, we should deal with another emerging problem and start a carbo credit system. Too many of us have exceeded our carbohydrate limits to the point that we are overweight and indeed, too many of us are obese. While over-consumption of carbohydrates may also contribute to global warming by adding to the methane load, the biggest costs are going to be to our health care programmes. To redress this growing problem, we can resort to a Carbo Tax or to a Carbo Credit system.

Just as the proposed Carbon Tax is repulsive to the politicians, so would a carbohydrate tax on snacks, pastas, breads, potatoes and rice meet with a taxpayer revolt. This leaves us with my carbo credit programme, a self-administered program that would thankfully keep the government from peeking at the carbo credit calculator in our bathrooms. The government, after all, has no place in our bathrooms.

The carbo credit system is straightforward. Before you can consume any carbohydrates, you must either a) burn off an equivalent number of carbs or, b) purchase some carbo credits. It is an easy calculation to match the number of carbs you would burn in a twenty-minute walk with the number of carbs on the back of the bag of potato chips. If you prefer not to take Cuddles for a walk, you can pay someone for the carbo credits you did not earn. The cost of the carbo credits must be added to the regular doggie walking fee; so if you normally pay Janie $2.00 to walk Cuddles and you plan to eat a $2.99 bag of chips while you should have been walking the dog, the total fee to Janie will be $4.99.

After a few weeks of buying carbo credits, it would soon be apparent that it would be prudent to walk the darn dog or face bankruptcy and the prospect of not being able to afford the potato chips. In either case, if the carbo calculator in the bathroom shows an increase in either pounds or kilos, purchasing carbo credits must be curtailed. For the youngsters, the carbo credit is simple: burn carbs by doing some environmentally friendly chore and receive credit for carbo food. Any money or allowance must be tied directly to the carbo credit system. For instance, money received from Aunt Martha cannot be used to purchase carbohydrates, whereas money from pushing the manual lawnmower can be used at the fast food counter.

Carbo credits can also be accumulated by playing outdoors. However, sitting indoors with the electronic games deducts carbo credits. One hour of playing outside should be worth about one half hour of TV watching, although this can be negotiated. For instance, four hours of following a golf ball around and near a golf course equates to watching a two-hour TV movie. As an incentive, if the golfer has made at least three pars, there could be a carbo credit of one bowl of popcorn.

There are also carbon-carbo credits. If you can ride your bicycle to work instead of driving your car, you earn both credits at once. Rumour has it that one of our politicians is following this regime and hopes to build up a reserve fund of carbo credits for the winter months. A North Bay councillor, ordered by his doctor to walk twenty miles each day to increase his carbo credits, is now approaching Barrie. Eventually he will figure out that he could walk 10 miles and then turn around, but council is in summer recess in any case.

An interesting email the other day pointed out how we can measure our carbo credits. Apparently, the average Canadian walks 900 miles a year and also consumes an average of 20 gallons of beer. While this works out to getting a respectable 45 miles to the gallon, we should be walking much more. Drinking the ‘light’ beer will not change the mileage but will increase the carbo credits. It is like using ethanol in your car and earning carbon credits.

Accumulating carbo credits ought not to be confused with carbo-loading. Some athletes use the carbo-loading technique to fortify their bodies before a long event, such as a marathon. Somehow, it seems counter-productive to add all the weight of three plates of spaghetti before you run, but perhaps it works for some people. Carbo-loading should only be tried before exercise lasting longer than 90 minutes, whereas carbo credits can be accumulated at anytime.
Having a black coffee instead of the double-double will easily offset a honey crueller in carbo credits.

Carbon credits for individuals may be in our future, but can you picture the day when patrons at Tim’s have to barter with their coffee club members for enough carbo credits to have a donut with their coffee? Maybe Tim’s should have a roll-up-the-rim for carbo credits. It would be nice to win even one carbo credit instead of that ‘Try Again’ non-prize.