Justin, please pass along my thanks to Sophie for her kind comments on my suggestions for the White House dinner last winter. That worked out quite well except for the Keystone pipeline thingy. There are a few things I thought you might like some advice on before you head off on your China junket. They do things a little differently in Beijing than in Washington.
First, don’t use that word ‘junket’. They are little touchy about any mention of junk.
Second, the Selfies. It was quite acceptable to put your arm around Obama and the First Lady for the Selfies, although you should maybe have not held that pose with Michelle quite so long. You and Xi will have many photo ops so please remember not to squeeze his hand like you were putting the squeeze on a Conservative on the floor of the House, ushering him to his seat. The Chinese prefer a little more space in meetings, so extend the hand and arm fully in your greetings. A slight bow of the curly locks is always a nice touch in the Orient.
Try to avoid any mention of Human Rights while you are there. The Chinese will no doubt have been following our media about the problems our First Nations people continue to face every day, but no matter how often they try to bring up the subject, just say ‘canola dockage’ and that should steer the conversation away to safer ground. You don’t want some CBC reporter overhearing the scolding you may get on the Human Rights thing.
It is difficult to imagine that the Chinese are complaining about a few impurities in our canola shipments after the problems we have had with everything from Chinese dog food to drywall, but really, tell them we’ll try harder with this year’s crop.
The Chinese like to keep a little tighter grip on the media than we do here. Even though Harper tried to gut the CBC, it still finds its way into interesting places. Take your nanny expenses, for instance. Continue using your wide international smile for their photographers. You can get serious when you get back home and submit your travel claims. Just itemize the Lexus limousines as rickshaws and you should be okay with the Auditor General.
And do not get drawn into a discussion of the housing issue in Vancouver. Remember, that 15% tax aimed at rich Chinese property investors was Christy’s idea, not yours.
If anyone mentions the rumour that Canadian hackers broke into the Chinese government databases just say it was some kid from Redbridge looking for Pokémon. By the time they find Redbridge on a map you’ll be in another meeting.
It might be a good time to break the news to Xi that we are not going to be able to get that oil from Alberta to the west coast. The coal trains are okay for now but a carbon tax might come into play unless Xi can find a way to drop the emissions over there. You might bring that up during the following week at the G20 meeting.
I hope one of your office people briefed you on the Ring of Fire. That’s the chromite deposit in Northern Ontario that the Chinese are very keen on developing. You might mention that your Dad (they still remember him) apologized for the way the Chinese workers were treated during the building of our railroads and that this time, if China wants to build the railway into the Ring of Fire, Canadians would be happy for the jobs.
In fact, that is something you might mention to Xi: we could use some of their factory work over here. Our young people are now used to having to work two low-paying jobs to make ends meet and working in a Chinese factory could be as appealing as a McJob.
You should be prepared to answer questions about our neighbours’ upcoming election. It was reported in a Beijing newspaper that the 500 people who tried to raft across the river at Sarnia last week were refugees fleeing a possible Trump-run country. Just reply that in the 60’s we handled the draft dodgers and we will do the same with the Democrats when they come. By the way, you could ask, do you have any fighter aircraft for sale? Our contract with the F-35’s may be in jeopardy with the next president.
Finally, eat lots of rice. Comment that you really like rice but then add that they should try some Canadian wheat. Try to extoll the virtues of buckwheat pancakes smothered in maple syrup, whole wheat bread and lasagna made from Durham wheat. And what would a Beaver Tail be like without Canadian wheat? Why even Tim Horton’s donuts are made with Canadian wheat. How many boatloads do you want? We guarantee it will be cleaner than that canola we sent you.
Lastly, don’t bring home any panda’s, toys or live ones. The kids really, really don’t want them.
