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Opinion: Bill Walton, Ottawa: Help Wanted

Three Excellent Positions should be opening soon
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As soon as the Summer Recess ends, the Deputy Prime Minister will receive applications for three positions in the Ottawa offices of the Government of Canada, an equal opportunity employer.

Only those applicants who meet the Job Requirements will be called for an interview (please wear a mask) and the Government thanks in advance all those who applied (attention: Ms. Freeland). Letters of character reference will be appreciated.

Position 1 is Minister of Finance (Recused). This is a temporary position due to the minority status of the present government; however, an exceptional candidate might find continued employment with the next government despite being a card-carrying Liberal (a prime qualification). The preferred applicant will be bilingual; have experience with budgets (Microsoft Excel or Quicken Home and Office); be prepared to travel (on the government’s dime so do not accept travel gifts); understand and comply with the Code of Ethics (Liberal versions 2.10); have a firm grasp of counter-vailing tariffs (American and Chinese).

This an equal opportunity position, although historically held by men, a woman in charge of the budget might be a nice change. The position serves at the Pleasure of the Queen and reports to the Prime Minister.  Welcome back, Mark. See next.

Position 2 is Prime Minister (Recused). This may be a temporary position but some previous PMs have held office for many years.

The applicant must be a sitting member of the House of Commons. The applicant should be bilingual while having other languages will be considered a credit. Preference will be given to the applicant being a Liberal but in the event there are no qualified Liberals willing to apply, members of other parties may apply.

It is a misconception that this office requires the ability and willingness to apologize as past PMs have apologized for everything up to the date of this notice. The position requires travel and frequent meetings without special compensation except when meeting with some Presidents who shall remain nameless but you know whom we mean. The applicant must understand the word Ethics and adhere to the rules as set out by your fellow politicians. A residence and cottage are supplied as well as a generous entertainment allowance. Security will be provided sometimes (see RCMP security photo above).  P.S. Steve Harper, do not even think of applying.

Position 3 is Governor-General of Canada (resigned). This is a temporary position, which has become vacant due to a sudden suggested resignation. The position serves at the pleasure of the Queen of Great Britain and those Commonwealth countries that have not yet thrown off the old Monarchy. The position requires constant public appearances, the wearing of a fancy uniform when inspecting troops, and being pleasant to the hired help.

The applicant should have years of honourable public service, enjoy cocktail parties and chatting it up with foreign dignitaries as well as the ordinary folk of Canada. This position may be abolished after the death (hopefully not too soon) of Queen Elizabeth II. P.S. Bob Rae your application will be looked upon very favourably. Sorry, Chris, but one astronaut was enough.

All applications will be held in strict confidence until somebody leaks them to the media.

Of course, as much as we might like to see (and perhaps should see) these advertisements, we will not. It is, after all, Ottawa. We might however see an ad for some replacement staff in the PMO if we ever discover who it was that manoeuvered us into that binary decision about the WE organization.

And now this rent thing . . . Just saying.





Bill Walton

About the Author: Bill Walton

Retired from City of North Bay in 2000. Writer, poet, columnist
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