COV / OP

I hereby offer my services to North Bay Council as a secret agent. I will work undercover to solve their budget woes. I will fill their coffers to overflowing. As head of Covert Operations, I will work on their behalf without the taxpayers of North Bay ever knowing that they have been bilked, no, make that milked, of precious tax dollars. Operations are already underway,

In a secret meeting at an undisclosed safe location, a go-between of the Council would give me the magic number for the next year. Written on edible rice paper would be a figure – says 5%. Or in an election year, perhaps a smaller figure (I would not accept an assignment for 0% since there is no secret agent work in not raising taxes.)

The Council must have complete confidence in their go-between because if there is a leak, there could be serious consequences come the next election. Their person must be able to remember a number and how to execute a secret handshake on the first try. Some training may be required.

We need a code word or a secret handshake because I must be able to recognize the Council representative at Churchill’s where we would hold all secret meetings. I have heard this is the restaurant of choice for secret meetings. Besides, Secret Agents do have standards when it comes to dining! This agent prefers to blend into his surroundings, not skulk about in dark doorways and back alleys, fedora pulled low, trench coat collar up.

Arrangements for payment of services will be made in advance. I will call this front end loading so the budget committee will understand this philosophy in money handling. My payment will be only a commission and does not represent the funding of the enterprise. I have private sources for the capital I need.

A number of local lawyers and real estate agents have become backers with the understanding that all Covert ‘business’ will be directed to them. I had little problem in attracting their backing as my plan is simple and almost legal. They grasped the intricacies of my scheme on only our fourth meeting.

The real beauty of my Covert Operations service is that I am setting up a network of underground agents all across Ontario. As Control, I have already begun placing ads in local papers across the province. The ads are discreet, simply disguised as ‘Managers in Training’ with the subtle promise that earnings in the six figures may be anticipated as municipalities seek our services.

Alas, I have just received a letter indicating there must be a leak in my organization and my whole plan is in danger. I think I only mentioned this to my wife so I hope she is not the one who inadvertently disclosed my under cover operation.

The letter was from MPAC – the Municipal Property Assessment Corporation. Once more, this year they have raised the assessed value of my property.

If the municipality again says it will only be raising the tax rate by a modest percentage, and they base this on the increased ‘value’ of my property, I will pay much more than the publicized tax increase. 3% on a 160,000 assessed value is more than 3% on 150,000. The rationale of Market Value Assessment is that as the whole assessed value of the city goes up, the tax per $1,000 assessment should go down. Right.

I may as well disclose my Covert Operations plan. I intend to go around North Bay buying houses at inflated prices – say 10% (or secret % set by council) above value. My realtors and lawyers would close the deals. Then MPAC sends out notices to all homes in the area increasing the ‘market value’ of the properties by that same 10%. Later I sell the houses at a lower price but MPAC would not adjust their market value down (it only goes up). The loss on the purchase / sale I write off as a tax loss and recover it from my Covert Operations fee.

Taxpayers could appeal their assessment but MPAC would have the fact of a market value sale of a similar house in their neighbourhood. Property owners would retreat from the appeal hearing left only with the hope that they could sell their house for more than it was worth.

The beauty of my operation was that it removed the council from any connection with manipulating property assessment values for tax gain. The municipalities fund MPAC and suspicious minds might see a conflict of interest in their association. Maybe they already have a secret agent.

One of these days I am going to come up with a winning scheme. Until then I will remain only an agent provocateur.