Dear SantaFriday, August 21, 2015 by: Bill Walton
August 21, 2015
A month has passed since my semi-annual
demand wish list was delivered to your local mail delivery box on Baffin Island and I have not heard from you or seen any results. I know you complained about the ending of home delivery but as my Minister of Health and Recreation said, “Seniors need a good brisk walk to their mail boxes” and I believe him since I wrote that speech for him. If you or the Missus find it too far to walk or sled, send one of your minions elves.
What happened to the price of Oil? I said the price should fluctuate but it was not supposed to bottom out below $50. My friends and supporters in Alberta and on Bay Street are not happy with you Santa. We had an agreement, remember, that you would help me out on this oil thing and I would not cancel Boxing Day shopping across the country. I kept my promise.
Look, Claus, you know how I have been saying how good our banks are and how the Bank of Canada was doing the right thing ever since that recession in 2008 but my wish was that you would build a little employment into the equation with those low rates you keep telling Oliver about every Tuesday. I am beginning to think those Americans, for all their
faults problems may be right in commercializing Christmas and forgetting all about you.
And what happened to that app for my cell that was going to automatically page Putin in the middle of the night to annoy him? Or did you think that was not polite? Hey, it’s what we do in international politics since I took over. Get your elves on it, eh?
My order for a thousand talking teddy bears that say, “Trudeau is a wimp still wet behind the ears” has not arrived and I have already called the election. If I don’t get the bears I may have to appoint myself King Forever. However, I don’t want to do that because of the Notwithstanding Claus – some cousin of yours, so I have been told.
By the way, that Christmas Carol nightmare of Prime Ministers Past is getting a little annoying. Diefenbaker said you and C Dickens send him. He goes on and on – shaking jowls, and those eyes! I am adding that to Bill C-51 in the name of National Security. No more aliens or Diefenbakers. I think that Trump fellow down south is onto something.
Anyway, Santa, I have one new wish that I need fulfilled ASAP. I want you to make Tom Mulcair’s beard fall off. I think people are getting used to it and some CBC flack said he thinks it might be you in disguise. I can fire him but not Mulcair – it wouldn’t look right.
I have been a good boy and even gave everybody a ‘Christmas in July’ 3 billion dollar gift, so how about you looking after my list?
Prime Minister and future King
P.S. Could you use another elf? I have one named Duffy that I would love to send to the North Pole – before Putin claims it.